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| why do i feel this why? tell me why.
each time my heart is broken,
my problems; i just drink away.
everytime i put my soul in,
i am full of regrets.
why did i put my trust in..
when my life is a mess.
just how did this come to happen?
when i think i am doing good..
fate.. brings me down with a passion.
boy, i missed you, but you cant see me like this.
pain in me surging, im just fighting within.
remember the love, that drove me insane
to the point i couldnt leave you for even a day.
remember the times that i needed you most
and you were always there for me to have and to hold.
remember the times when you said you love me
hoping for the day that you end up with me.
i knew i'd treat you better, i knew it for sure
but you had to pull some shit and stomp on my hope.
i want to forget that i met you.
i want to end what we have now, because i cant befriend you
my heart aches, when you're in my sight.
wearing eyes, dreaming through the essence of my inner life.
i need you -- but i dont.
i want you -- but i wont.
have you in my arms with these feelings that i hold.
i need to move on but i cant, because i still love you.
dying in my soul, but you'll never ever give a damn.
got the rage and anger inside of me, but i hide it.
you'll ask me if something is wrong, but i'll quickly deny it.
i cant let you see the tears i am shedding.
or the broken down condition of this nightmare that i am living.
and remember how close we used to be? true love.
so close with each other, when you were with me.
i loved you with all i had, it hurts til this day.
that you loved me, but you lied with those words that you say.
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| i love him, with all my heart.
but i feel like we dont talk anymore.
if i dont talk to him, i dont talk to anybody.
it hurts. it's like a build up, of burning pain.
it feels like he is avoiding me.
but when he's near, i have nothing to say.
it doesnt seem happy.
he says its bad, all bad.
i feel more broken than i was.
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| he waits patiently, for time to heal me.
stands by me while a day turns into a week for things to get better.
while everything around me seems to drop me,
he not only carries his own burdens, but mine as well.
although there are no change of expression in my voice,
no up change in my life, no signs of a fight to better my life..
he still tells me he loves me.
i can stare blankly into the wall for hours;
not a thought or wonder passes me by.
while a simple meaningless text message throws me into tears,
his voice, so calming and comforting, hugs me so tight.
i have never felt such endless support.
i just thought he should know..
he makes my soul smile,
makes my heart race,
keeps my mind dreaming.
--unconditional love.
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| i used to be a strong believer in the theory that i could be poor, surrounded by the ones who love me and care about me, and find myself a happy soul. fuck, that.
today i learned a very valuable lesson, some people, really do just stick around where the money seems to be flowing. im not saying i have the whole damn world to carry on my shoulders, but i got priorities, which leads to bills, two dependents.. and my own damn basic needs.
but because of my own stupidity, lack of sleep, lack of knowledge i've landed myself in a hole.
i could care less about how millions of people dig themselves a hole quiet simillar to mine; because every situation that i seem to put myself in, i think about it days.. maybe weeks later, and come to the conclusion that i could have avoided it.
today, in example. this guy, named michael, his backdrop.. probably smokes on a weekly basis, drops every now and then, and fucks with the white bitch on a daily basis. this guy, doesnt have a fucking job, uses his parent's credit card, does bad in school. but this nigga, kept me going to school for a quarter, and saved my ass when it came to class, so i never really slipped up about his situation, but today, hell naa, he done fucked up.
this would not only be once, but twice has he done borrowed money, and not paid me back so i can pay my damn bills. this nigga, uses his damn parent's money to fucking buy drugs. man.. atleast when i went through the damn phase of drugs, i got my own fucking job, to support my own fucking drug habit.
reason why im so angry at myself?
indepth situation: michael owes me 40 bucks, wanted to give me a check for 90 so i could pull out 50 for him, because he was a homie, i didnt think twice about it, it made sense to me for a minute, a check under a bill, is usually credited to your account instantly, but today, it wasnt.. and i was left with balance of my own money in the accound which was JUST enough to cover my utility bill which was due today. i told him my situation right at the atm, and i had asked him what he wanted me to do. the reason i asked him that was to see what kind of person he really is. he said, yeah can you just give me 40, and i'll go home and transfer money to your account. that should be instant right? hell no it aint instant, his account isnt linked to mine, that shit takes days. i bit my lip and took out 40 for him, because right now, in this case, now i owe him a fucking 10 bucks.
when i thought about it when i came home, i wanted to fucking strangle him. i got off at 5pm, the fuccin bank closes at 6pm. this guy could have went to the bank to withdraw 90 and give me 40, and still had 50 left in his pocket.
the fuck does he call me a homie for? and the fucck did he give me a fucking birthday card. fuck, that. if i was his homie he wouldnt have done this, one time after pushing me to be late on one bill, sure i can dust that off, fucking turn my cheek and forget it. twice nigga? he's trippin. i had fucking faith in this nigga, people told me that an addict will never pay me back. i told em naa, he will.. he'll come around.. this is my nigga. m.m.shim. dont ever show your god damn fucking face to me.
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